


Her Own Song

by Phoebsfan



Category: Alias (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-26
Updated: 2002-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebsfan/pseuds/Phoebsfan
Summary: Syd contemplates the dance of her life.
Relationships: Sydney Bristow/Michael Vaughn





	Her Own Song

_Spinning, laughing, dancing to_

_her favorite song._

_A little girl with nothing wrong_

_Is all alone...._

_Seven Years- Norah Jones_

I used to play in the rain.

Sighing I pull my legs closer, wrap my arms around my knees and breath in the intoxicating scent of the newly cleansed earth. A breeze blows through the open window and pulls that stubborn lock of hair from behind my ear again. Pushing the hair back, pushing the memories back, I hug my legs closer. Seeking a solace they could never give me.

Seeking a solace I've yet to find... anywhere.

Every time I think I've found a friend, every time I feel truly safe around someone...

My hopes and dreams are crushed once more.

Plucking at a loose string on my quilt, my eyes filling with tears and blurring the pattern out. Trying not to feel betrayed as I snuffle and pity myself.

I'd contemplated getting drunk earlier. But I know it won't solve anything. The world will be just as messed up in the morning.

It's not his fault. He deserves a normal life. I just don't get why Alice has left such a dark spot on my heart. Why I feel uncomfortable around him now. Why I feel lost at night.

I don't call him with my little problems anymore. It wouldn't be fair to tear him away at all hours.

I wish that for a few hours I could leave it all behind. Just be normal. A normal girl.

A normal girl with a normal guy.

I know I don't need a man to complete me. And if I'm honest with myself I know that it's not a man that I really want. It's that feeling of being important to someone just because. Not because I'm someone’s asset. Not because I'm superspy girl.

Just because.

I miss that feeling of belonging. Anywhere.

When I was little, when I still thought my life was normal, I had hopes and dreams. Now I have missions and impossible goals. And it's just not the same.

Leaving the bed, the hard wood cool on my bare feet, cars passing on the street outside. I move to the window. My eyes leaking a stray drop or two as I gaze at nothing in particular.

When there is no one left to trust, who do you turn to?

Closing the window and tucking that errant lock behind my ear once more I turn and slip some jogging shoes one, forgetting the socks. I grab my walkman on the way out the door. Push play and let Norah Jones drown out the sound.

Francie is in the living room watching Felicity. Will's laughing at one of the characters as he puts together a puzzle my father gave me the Christmas after my mom died. One thousand pieces later it's a picture of the Mona Lisa. It took me just a few hours. Will's been at it for a week or two.

I slip out undetected. Being a spy is good for something.

She'll let me down.

I know she will.

But I keep jogging to the only person who I can trust. The only person who has been completely honest with me from the beginning. The one person who has yet to let me down.

Her manipulation is something I crave. Somehow even though she hasn't been there for years... I still crave her advice, her words are still balm. And after everything I'm still running to mommy for a bandaid for my wounds.

"He just wants a normal life Syd." Her face twists into a sympathetic grimace as she places a hand on the glass. My hand is out of my control, it rests on the glass over her hand.

"I want him to have a normal life." My voice remains emotionless. Doing an excellent job of hiding my heart. My eyes too remain cold.

"But you want to share his normal life."

I offer her a crooked grin. My life will never be normal. It never has been. And normal would probably bore me. It's in my blood now. I'm an adrenaline junkie. I crave the excitement of my job. Relish the danger. Without it.... well I'm not sure I'd survive.

Of course that means I get to spend the rest of my life alone.

But then no ever said espionage was a group game. I made my choice. A long time ago I decided to be alone. And it's too late to turn back.

"I've written my own fate. We both know there isn't any room for anyone else." She nodded. Understanding what everyone else seemed to miss.

"You always were a brilliant dancer."


End file.
